Come, take my hand and let us travel...
…into the future, to the year 2025 to be exact. Fame is a fickle mistress, but more so for some than others. Who would have thought, given the endless possibilities and dazzling futures laid out before them back then, that certain sci-fi stars of the 90's and early 00's would be reduced, by the mid 20's, to doing summer stock before aged Pitch Black fanatics (affectionately known as 'Pitchies' here in the future) in order to survive? Who would, indeed?
Our setting: A glen in a lush park, Los Angeles, sunset, August. A quaint wooden stage has been erected at one end, with a faux-velvet, royal blue curtain drawn across its front. A few hundred fans lie stretched out on blankets, awaiting the show. Most are fans of the cult hit of 1999, and many have come in the costume of their favorite character.
Unfortunately, many are also delusional…and ALL need to get a life.
A gong sounds, and a hush descends. Rising in front of the curtain is a banner proclaiming the evening's offering:
………………………………………………
William Shakespeare's Pitch Black
………………………………………………
Warm applause. A pre-recorded overture starts. In order to squeeze the performance into a reasonable timeframe the early parts of the cult classic have been distilled down to their essence.
MUSIC! "He's dead, the captain's dead……what are you doing?….Purge all….I guess something went wrong….only to humans…..it just waits to be found." The music quickens! "Sounds like a charmer….three suns? … there'll be no shots….just another guy from the ship!!…..Zeke! Zeke!!!!!!" The music crescendos and then dies away…
The curtain parts to reveal Vin Diesel, chained to a bulwark at center stage. He is still fit, chiseled; still looks good…in a Jack LaLanne kind of way. The Vin groupies in the audience scream wildly. Some arrived at the park a day ahead of time to stake claim to a spot right in front of the stage. They hail from all parts of the globe and speak with accents indicative of such foreign lands as South Africa, Australia and Texas. There are blue eyes, screaming pink toenails, an inflatable couch, pointed ears, The Rock sunglasses..and all go by funny-sounding nicknames. Each is garbed in an "I Love Riddick" tee-shirt.
When the screaming dies down, Vin begins rattling his chains…and sets off another bout of shrieks. He nods ever so slightly towards his groupies, a way of recognition for their warm welcome.
Enter stage left: Radha Mitchell. As she walks center-stage she is greeted by cheers and wolf-whistles from the back of the audience, especially by one Jack Tripper, wearing a "You LIE! Fry DIDN'T die!" tee-shirt.
The audience quiets again as the play proper begins:
…
Lady MacFry: "Johns doest telleth me thou didst hear something. What didst thou hear?"
Dark Prince Riddick remains mute.
Lady MacFry: "So be it! But knowest thee this…Some of yonder noblepersons thinketh we shouldst just leaveth thee here to perish!"
Dark Prince Riddick: "Doesth thee meaneth the voices?"
…
The groupies swoon as one at the first intonations of the still-silky voice of Diesel, but the always-present heckler yells from the crowd: "Hey, Diesel, that's one heck of a lousy British accent!"
…
Vin breaks character and turns to meet his challenger: "My recommendation ...sue me!"
…
Lady MacFry: "Whateth voices?"
Dark Prince Riddick: "The ones that telleth me to aimeth for the sweet spot … lumbar…coppery tasteth…"
…
Heckler: "Forgot the line, eh, Vinny? Or are ya just lazy?"
Vin glares at the man: "My recommendation...boo me."
…
Lady MacFry: "Howeth about thee scarething me with the truth nowest?"
Dark Prince Riddick:"Did I killeth a few people…sureth." Vin turns and aims the next line at the heckler as though laser-guided: "Some I torturedeth, some were drawneth and quartereth, and thenst devoured withest fava beans."
…..
Radha just stares at Vin, wondering where that line came from. An elderly grandma in the crowd chirps up: "That's disgusting, Mr. Diesel. And I just ate my dinner!"
Vin: "My recommendation...'ewwwwww' me!"
…..
Dark Prince Riddick: "Did I slay Zeke..noeth. I ainteth the one you needth to be fretting overeth."
Lady MacFry: "Let me seeth thou eyes, Dark Prince Riddick."
Dark Prince Riddick: "Thou'd needst cometh a lot closer for thateth."
Radha edges towards Vin slowly…slowly. Some in the audience hold their breath, knowing what comes next.
Dark Prince Riddick: "…closereth…"
A step forward.
"…closereth…"
Vin suddenly leaps up, rattling his chains. Radha backs away in shock and fright.
Dark Prince Riddick: "What's the mattereth, MacFry ... chicken?"
…….
The heckler: "You moron…That's from another of Shakespeare's plays. Man, you need to go to a church and pray you hold onto what's left of your memory in your old age!"
Vin (sneering):"My recommendation ...pew me!"
One of Vin's groupies rises and confronts the heckler. "Will you just shut your trap, you imbecile? We're trying to enjoy a little culture here!"
Vin blows a kiss to his defender. With a wink: "My recommendation ...woo me!"
……
Once the audience settles back down a voice comes from off-stage:
"Howeth can I getteth eyes liketh thous?"
Striding onstage to widespread applause is Rhiana Griffith, as the Faery Prince Jack.
Dark Prince Riddick: "Firsteth thee musteth slayeth a few nobleman…"
Faery Prince Jack: "I canst do that!"
Dark Prince Riddick: "Then thee needeth find a meta-physician, one who will doeth a surgical shineth on thoust orbs…then thou needst passeth him on to a closer, whosth doth maketh the stock sale."
…..
Heckler: "That's from A Midsummer Night's Boiler Room, idiot! Geez, try memorizing your lines instead of just milking your fame of twenty years ago!"
The groupies rise as one and descend on the heckler. "That's it buster…you've disrupted our culturizing enough. Time to get busy on your wannabe ass!"
"HELLO, MECCA!!!"
Fists and feet fly, disorder reigns….as it usually does at performances of the play.
Radha and Rhiana flee to the safety of backstage. Vin stands at the front and center and addresses the besieged heckler:
"My recommendation ...moo me!!!"
…and then Vin turns and exits, stage right….