Leave it to Colester

………………..
"Leave It To Colester"
starring…Lewis Fitz-Gerald as Ward Cleaver
…………Radha Mitchell as June Cleaver
…………Rhiana Griffith as Wally Cleaver
…………Keith David as Lumpy Rutherford
…………Vin Diesel as Eddie Haskell
……..and starring....Cole Hauser as "The Colester"
………..
[Scene One: The Cleaver's kitchen, morning]
Colester[stricken]: Aw, gee, Eddie…my dad is gonna kill me! He loved that Picasso!
Wally(Rhiana): Yes, Eddie, why did you have to go and tell Colester to do that?
Eddie(Vin):I read in Popular Mechanics that you could dry a master's oil painting in the oven. Can I help it if the squirt left it in for an hour?
Wally(Rhiana): You're really gonna get it when mom and dad get home, Colester!
Eddie(Vin):Your pop is gonna go ballistic on your wannabe ass!
[Colester starts sobbing]
Wally(Rhiana):Now you've gone and done it, Eddie! [He grabs Eddie by the collar] You're gonna help us fix this!
[Eddie pushes him away and cleans his palms with side-slaps.] No sweat, Mergatroid. I'm a stand-up kind of guy. Let's bring the painting over to Lumpy's. He's got some color-by-number pencils; maybe we can fix it up so your old man won't notice.
[Colester looks at Wally with blue doe-eyes] Can we. Wally? Can we, huh?
Wally(Rhiana): Dad's gonna kill us if he catches us. Cole, grab one end…Eddie, you go to the door and watch for our folks.
[They maneuver the painting to the front entrance. Eddie peers out around the doorframe]
Eddie(Vin): Looks clear.
[Just as they start outside the Cleaver's car pulls up the driveway. They bolt back inside]
Colester: I thought you said it was clear!
Eddie(Vin):Look, Stanley, who do you think I am, Clark Kent? I don't have any kind of super vision. Let's go out back and jump the fence to Lumpy's.
---------------
(Scene two: Lumpy's basement. Colester and Wally are hard at work coloring the painting while Eddie and Lumpy look through Mr. Rutherford's hidden stack of girlie magazines.)
Colester: Wa..Wa..Wally…How does it look?
Wally(Rhiana): I don't know, Colester. It doesn't look like it did before.
Eddie(Vin): [never taking eyes off the magazine in his hands] That's cause the squirt forgot his gauge.
Colester: Did not! {Holds up his protractor]
[Colester and Wally prop the painting up and step back to look. Picasso's women now look like hammerhead aliens but with both hammers on one side of their head]
Colester: Maybe if we dim the lights in dad's study…
Wally(Rhiana): We already changed his bulbs down to 40-watters when Eddie told us we could find out what the little bump in the tile was by digging deeper, and we ended up making that crater under Dad's desk. I don't think we can get 20-watt bulbs. What are we gonna do, Lumpy?
Lumpy (Keith): My name is Clarence. Only my 'boys' call me El-Lumpy.
Eddie(Vin): You don't have any 'boys', Stanley……HELLO, MECCA!!! [Eddie folds out a centerfold of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Aussie beauty]
Wally(Rhiana): Hey, you stole that line from my Mom!
Eddie(Vin): You're such a square, man. Dullsville, like the squirt!
Lumpy(Keith): We gotta return the painting. My pop will be home soon and he doesn't let me go out late.
Eddie(Vin): You're not afraid of the dark, are you Lumpy? Man…what a bunch of zeros.
Wally(Rhiana): Let's go. We're gonna have to sneak the painting in through the study window.
-------------
(Scene Three--outside Mr. Cleaver's study window. Eddie and Lumpy have pushed the painting inside to Wally and the Colester and are about to leave)
Lumpy(Keith): I wonder if Mr or Mrs Cleaver heard anything?
Eddie(Vin):You mean the sounds? Those two are so oldsville they're pobably takin naps…[Mrs Cleaver suddenly appears from around the corner of the house]…oh, good morning, Mrs. Cleaver. May I say you are looking beautiful tonight…did you just get a haircut? I admire that in a woman.
Mrs. Cleaver(Radha): How about you purge all of that talk, Eddie. What are you two doing out here like a couple of strays?
Lumpy(Keith): We…we…we were on a hajj…
[Eddie elbows Lumpy out of Mrs. C's sight]
Eddie(Vin): What Clarence is trying to say is Wallace and Coleodore told us your foundation might be faulty and we were just taking coring samples.
[Mrs. Cleaver looks at them suspiciously]
Mrs. Cleaver(Radha): And?
Eddie(Vin): Looks clear!
Mrs. Cleaver(Radha): That's fine, then. We were about to eat. Would you boys like to join us?
Lumpy(Keith): Oh, I cannot. It is forbidden.
Mrs. Cleaver(Rhada): You want to shock me with the truth, Clarence? Okay…let's see…there's me and Ward and Wally and Colester and Eddie..[she turns to the window and yells inside] WARD! …FIVE TO LUNCH!
------------
(Scene Four- Cleaver's kitchen table)
Mr. Cleaver(Lewis): That's a particularly nice sassparilla, Eddie
Eddie(Vin): I thought sassparilla was amber colored. This looks clear. I just know you don't prepare your sassparilla if it isn't a flunky sassparilla…
Mr Cleaver(Lewis): Maybe if was a drop-shipment. It doesn't mean it isn't…
Mrs Cleaver(Radha): Eddie's just saying what we're all thinking. Forget that, let's just stick to the flan.…
[radhafan note: 'flan' is a kind of Mexican pudding..I know Texan VD_Fan knows this already!]
Mr. Cleaver(Lewis): I'm expecting Mr. Rutherford over this afternoon to see my Picasso.
[The boys look at each other in alarm]
Colester: To..to..today? Don't you have to drive me to bongo practice today, dad?
Mr Cleaver(Lewis): Matthew's mother is picking you up in the car pool today, Colester. Mr Rutherford says genuine Picassos are worth millions. Sure, we don't have much in our humble home, but it's amazing how easily one can do without the necessities as long as we have a few luxuries!
Colester and Wally(Rhiana): A million dollars?
Eddie(Vin): That's quite remarkable, Mr. Cleaver. That was a wonderful meatloaf, Mrs. Cleaver, however, I must take my leave of you now lest my parents begin to fret.
Mrs Cleaver(Radha): Not so fast, Eddie Haskell. First I want to know what you boys were up to outside the study window.
Mr. Cleaver(Lewis): Yes. Let's just take a look at what was so interesting in my study, shall we.
[They all walk into the study. Mr Cleaver turns on the lights, but they are now so dim it barely helps.]
Mrs. Cleaver(Radha): Lights on?
Mr. Cleaver(Lewis): They ARE on. [Mr. Cleaver gets out a flashlight and swings it around the room. He halts as he sees his Picasso]
Mr Cleaver(Lewis): My poor Picasso! It's ruined. You boys have some explaining to do!
[Mrs Cleaver just stands staring at the painting, jaw open.]
Eddie (Vin):[whispering to her] Finally found something worse than me…
Mr Cleaver(Lewis): Well, you boys are going to have to pay me back for the painting out of your allowances…50 cents per week until it is paid off. Wally, you should have known better than to touch something of mine for the 547th time. And Colester, you are going to have to do the dishes every night for a year!
Colester: Bu…bu…but dad! What if we have leftovers?
Mr Cleaver(Lewis): Then they'll be no pots.
Eddie(Vin): Those rapscallions deserve their punishment, Mrs. Cleaver.
Mrs Cleaver(Radha): Can it, Eddie! You're not getting off so easy. Every afternoon for a month you will join me and the ladies auxiliary for scones and gardening conversation.
Eddie(Vin): [with emotion] Not for tea! Not for tea!
…………………
The end


Back to Menu