The Black Zone, a parody by Celia P

Submitted for your approval: a small group of people are stranded in space and time on a desert planetoid seemingly devoid of life. Yet they are soon to discover that evil lurks just beneath the surface. It is a struggle to survive in this harsh environment, made even more difficult by the struggle against each other. What destiny awaits those trapped in (pause) The Black Zone?

(spooky music)

Tonight's episode: ALIEN ENCOUNTER

NARRATOR: A ship is sailing through a sea of stars, its passengers asleep in cryo-tubes, blissfully unaware that their trip is about to take a detour into (duh, duh, duh) The Dark Zone.

(fade to ship interior, see sleeping people in cryo-tubes. A computer flashes on, signaling the sleepers to awake. Gradually they awaken and venture out to lockers to get dressed.)

first military woman: Hey, who's snow white?

second military woman: She's supposed to be some kind of consultant. Apparently, she saw an alien once.

military man: Woo-pee fuckin' do! I'm impressed.

(Military woman does some pull-ups, then the small crew ventures out for breakfast, an android does a trick with a knife, then they have a briefing, then they check their gear, then they head to a drop ship and fall towards the planet below.)

military man: Woo-hoo! We're on the express elevator to hell, goin' down!!

(Scene fades to black and dissolves into another ship interior as the narrator speaks again).

NARRATOR: These travelers are not alone in their strange fate. Yet another ship is voyaging deep into space, its passengers in cryo-tubes, blissfully unaware that their ship is about to come crashing down. But instead of crashing into reality, their ship's trajectory has been altered - straight for The Black Zone.

woman in uniform: Captain's dead!

man in uniform: Why did I fall? Chrono shows we're twenty-two weeks out, so gravity wasn't supposed to kick in for another nineteen, right? Why did I fall at all?

woman in uniform: You hear me? Captain's dead!

(man and woman quickly get dressed and run to their stations. Their ship is hurtling at supersonic speed through the atmosphere directly for the planet below).

woman in uniform: Fuck!

(The woman valiantly tries to get the ship's nose up by purging some containers, and then not-so-valiantly tries to purge the passengers, only to be thwarted by the man)

woman in uniform: Damn you, Owens!!

Owens: Sixty seconds, Fry. You still have sixty seconds to level this beast out!

(The ship crashes spectacularly, Owens dies with a metal bar sticking out of his chest, the passengers that are still alive gather for an introductory social, a gorgeous, bald, heavily muscled piece of ---woah! Got sidetracked there for a minute!-- convict is chained up inside, several people head over to some containers to scavenge for supplies, the convict does a trick with his shoulders and escapes, several people go after him and several stay behind)

NARRATOR: And here is where the tale takes a strange turn. Where each group would once have had separate fates, here their separate fates exist no more. There is only one fate that awaits them all. And in The Black Zone, fate is unforgiving. (pause) Why am I saying this? Whether separate or together, it still would be the same fate. You think people aren't going to notice a thing like aagghhh...

(Narrator is abruptly cut off. Scene goes to first landing site, where colonial marines have searched the abandoned colony complex)

Goreman: The area is secure.

Ripley: What do mean, secure? It's not secure.

Goreman: The area is secure, Ripley. Hicks, meet me at the entrance. We're coming in.

Hudson: He's coming in. I feel safer already.

Vasquez: Pendejo jerkoff.

(Hicks and Bishop meet Goreman, Ripley and Burke at the entrance.)

Goreman: Three suns? I only saw one sun in orbit.

Bishop: Yes, but we've landed on the other side of the planet. The other two suns were hidden from view behind the planet when we came in.

(People disappear inside, and scene cuts to the crash survivors, who are searching for Riddick. Fry comes up behind Johns, and gets a shotgun in the face).

Johns: Sorry.

Fry: Any sign of Riddick yet?

Johns: No, but those look like trees in the distance, and trees mean water.

Fry: What are those structures behind it?

Johns: I don't know. Looks like atmosphere processors. And that looks like a drop ship, but it's an old design. Let's check it out.

(Gun shots are heard in the distance, and the search party heads back. Meanwhile, at the crash site…)

Jack: It was just someone else! It was just someone else from the crash!

Zeke: Blimey! I thought it was him. I thought it was Riddick!

(Zeke hauls the body to the gravesite he's been digging, and spots a hole in the ground. Like an idiot, he sticks his head in the hole and ends up being some lucky creature's lunch. He at least gets off a few shots to warn the others. Shazza runs as fast as she can, but to no avail.)

Shazza: Zeke!!

(Zeke is gone, and Riddick is lurking just above, shiv in hand. Riddick turns and runs away, only to be tripped and smacked around by Johns, who tag teams Shazza, who gives him a boot to the head, and the ref declares him down for the count. On to interior...)

Fry: Tell me about the sounds.

Riddick: You mean the whispers. Telling me to go for the sweet spot just to the left of the spine. Fourth lumbar down. Abdominal aorta. Metallic taste, human blood. Copperish, but if you cut it with peppermint schnapps, that goes away too.

Fry: You want to shock me with the truth now?

Riddick: All you people are so scared of me. Most days I take that as a compliment, but it ain't me you gotta worry about now.

(They go back to the hole, and like an even bigger idiot, Fry goes in for a look and doesn't even TAKE A GUN! (And Johns is a WUSS for not going himself). Fry's almost dessert for the creepy crawleys, but manages to get away up a hollow tube. How convenient. The group next decides to go check out the colony site and ship near the atmosphere processors, taking one fuel cell with them in case the old ship isn't working. Meanwhile at the complex…)

Hudson: Trackers have just detected motion.

Goreman: Apone. What's your twenty? Any of your people in med lab?

Apone: That's a negative. We're all in operations.

(Hicks, Ripley, Vasquez, Hudson, Bishop, Goreman and Burke venture into the hallway, eyes intent on the beeping signal that keeps getting closer. From the end of the passageway, they hear voices.)

Fry: Is this whole complex dead?

Riddick: Come on Johns, you got the big gage.

Johns: I'd rather piss glass. Why don't you go fuckin' check?

Hicks: Hold up a second.

(The two groups meet up in the hallway, staring at each other. Goreman addresses Riddick)

Goreman: Who are you?

Riddick: Who da fuck are you?

(Goreman hides behind Hicks, who keeps his weapon trained on the other group. Paris hides behind Johns, who keeps his 12 gage trained on the other group.)

Fry: Our ship crashed on this planet. We were looking for supplies and Riddick escaped, and then one of our crew members got killed by some monsters, and we spotted the drop ship and thought it might be a way off.

Ripley: Well, it is a way off. You're welcome to leave with us.

Goreman: We aren't going anywhere until we find out what happened to the colonists.

Fry: What colonists?

Ripley: The ones that set up the processors. We know about the monsters, we found some specimens in med lab. Probably killed the colonists. If you look at your feet, you can see the holes in the flooring. They have acid for blood.

Jack: Acid for blood? That sure as hell beats blue paint.

Iman: What are you talking about?

Jack: Nothing.

Riddick: Tell us more about the monsters.

Ripley: They use humans as hosts and lay eggs inside their bodies, where they gestate and then burst through the chest cavity. They're attracted by the smell of blood.

Riddick: That's not a good thing, especially with the girl bleeding.

Johns: What do you mean? She's not cut. And neither is she or she.

Riddick: Not her, or her or her. HER.

Jack: Gig's up! I thought it would be better if I was taken for a guy. Now I see it doesn't matter, so can I borrow a tampon?

Ripley: Don't have any on me. Does your mommy have any tampons?

Jack (looking at Fry): She's not my mother.

Ripley: Where is your mother?

Jack: She's dead, all right! Can someone give me a tampon now?

Goreman: We need to find the colonists, who cares about a damn tampon!

Imam: Sorry to interrupt, but has anyone seen Ali?

Riddick: Has anyone checked the boiler room?

(The group goes to operations and consults a map of the complex. A large signal of electronic signals is beeping on the screen.)

Johns: What is that?

Hudson: PDTs. Personal Data Transmitters.

Hicks: Looks like a god damn town meeting.

Goreman: Apone, let's saddle up.

(The group heads to the boiler room, where all the PDTs are and which is several levels down from the surface. The colonial marines gear up and head down. Riddick is recruited to go with them. Johns stays behind with Bishop, Ripley, Gorman, Fry and Jack, claiming he isn't feeling well.)

Frost: Sure is hot down here.

Riddick: Yeah, man, but it's a dry heat.

Hudson: That's my line, convict.

Riddick: What you gonna do about it?

Goreman (over com): Hudson, what is that stuff all over the walls?

Hudson: You tell me, man. I only work here.

(The group ventures deeper into the sublevel. Ripley, back in the armored transport, has questions about what types of weapons the group is carrying, but does not think to ask until they marines are almost to the colonists)

Ripley: What type of armament does your team carry?

Goreman: M-16s with standard light armor piercing rounds. Why?

Ripley: Look where your team is Goreman.

Burke: Whoa. Ripley's right. This whole place is basically a fusion reactor. One wrong shot, and adios muchachos.

Goreman: Uh, Apone. I can't have any shooting down there. Flame throwers only. I want rifles slung.

Hudson: You've gotta be kidding me!

Riddick: What are we supposed to use? Harsh language?

Hudson (narrows eyes): I don't like you.

(Why these people don't simply send an expendable scout ahead to find out what's up is beyond me. So Frost collects magazines, but Vasquez holds back spares and shares one with Drake, then they all go in, find Ali's desiccated corpse on the floor, causing Imam to gasp from where he's watching in the armored transport, then they find a woman stuck to the wall).

Woman: Please, kill me.

Riddick: My recommendation, kill her.

(Woman goes into convulsions, a creature bursts from her chest, Apone fries her with the flame-thrower, strange hissing sounds surround the group.)

Hudson: Motion.

Apone: Which way?

Hudson: Can't lock down. Multiple signals. In front and behind. They're closing.

Apone: I don't see anything.

Hudson: Look, I'm telling you there's something moving, and it ain't us!

Apone: Riddick, I thought you were supposed to be able to see in the dark.

Riddick: Don't make me get shiv happy on your wanna-be ass! It may be dark down here, but it's also steamy. And just like you, I can't see through smoke.

(A woman marine gets grabbed by a monster, screams, and triggers her flame-thrower, taking out a fellow marine. Riddick is hanging close to Vasquez and Drake, whom he recognizes as fellow badasses.)

Vasquez: Let's rock!

Drake: Yeah!!

(Vasquez and Drake start blowing everything to hell. Riddick draws his shiv because the marines wouldn't give him any guns. The first major monster-human fight ensues. Both sides take some losses, and the marines retreat per Hick's order.)

Fry: Gorman, do something!

Ripley: Gorman, do something!

Jack: Gorman, do something!

Goreman: Ahhhh, gurgle, ahhhhh.

(Ripley heads to the front, first locking Jack in a seat. Fry glares at her, pats Jack on the head and heads up front herself, seeing this as a chance to redeem herself for her earlier actions.)

Ripley: Take a seat, Fry. I'll handle this.

(The armored transport breaks through the alien plastic stuff, picks up the marines, and hauls ass out the exit. Of course you know how women drivers are, so Ripley blows the transaxle, but they're clear).

Hicks: Ease down, Ripley. Ease down.

(The transport stops outside, Hicks radios the drop ship to come pick them up. They stand outside, watching for it).

Riddick: Something's wrong. It's coming in too fast.

Paris: What do my eyes see? It's the eclipse!

(The drop ship crashes and burns, taking out the armored transport too. The ringed planet is quickly coming into view, blotting out the suns).

Hudson: We're in some real pretty shit now! Now what the hell are we supposed to do?

Burke: I don't know, start a campfire.

Paris: Roast marshmallows. Sing some songs.

Jack: I think we should head back now. Because they mostly come at night and during eclipses. Mostly.

(The cast races for the complex as the ringed planet blots out the suns. They hole up in a room with whatever lights they can find).

Ripley: There's gotta be some other way out of here. There has to be some way.

Bishop: I can get the other drop ship from the Sulako. Manually patch in and bring it down.

Fry: Okay, Johns, you have some flares. We have the flashlights on the helmets. I think it's enough.

Johns: Enough for fuckin' what?

Fry: We stick with the plan. Bishop gets the other drop ship from the Sulako, and we travel to the outskirts of town to get to it.

Hudson: With those things out there? You can count me out!

Ripley: Yeah, I guess we can just count you out of everything.

Johns: Just shut the fuck up and let me come up with a plan that doesn't involve mass suicide.

Fry: I'm waiting.

Hudson: Game over, man! Game over!

Ripley: Hudson, calm down! This little girl has managed to survive with no weapons and no training.

Hudson: You wanna put her in charge?

Ripley: Hudson, listen to me. Just start dealing with it, because I'm sick of your bullshit.

Johns: No, Hudson's right. The game is over. How scared you think that girl is gonna be out there with those things?

Fry: Don't use her like that. You deal with your own fears.

(Johns stands up to protest, and Riddick puts himself in front of him. Johns puts his twelve gage to Riddick's head, Riddick taps his shiv against John's "package")

Johns: Okay.

(Bishop crawls down a pipe and patches in. Everyone settles down to rest, and Ripley, Fry and Jack go to a side room to nap. When they wake up, they see an empty container rolling on the floor. The doors are locked. What evil person could have possibly done this to them? Yeah, we all know. They all wave at the cameras.)

Fry: Riddick!

Ripley: Hicks! Help us!

Jack: Riddick! Riddick!

(Burke shuts off the camera, which Hicks and Riddick do NOT happen to catch.)

Jack: I'm scared.

Ripley: Me too sweetheart.

Fry: Me too sweetheart.

(The monster comes down from the vent and jumps on Ripley. Another face hugger jumps across the room and heads for Jack, trapping her under a table. Fry tries to get it off her by waving a flashlight and torch at it. Hicks and Riddick to the rescue!! Hudson shoots out the glass, Hicks and Riddick jump through the window, Hicks goes to get the creature off Ripley, Riddick goes to get it off Jack. They both prevail).

Riddick: Did not know who he was fuckin' with! Grrrrr.

Hicks: Everyone okay?

Ripley: Burke. (cough) It was Burke.

(The group corners Burke, who denies it all (badly) and accuses everyone of being insane)

Hudson: I say we grease this rat fuck son of a bitch right now!

Riddick: My recommendation: ghost the motherfucker!

Hicks: Hold up now, we don't know…

Ripley: Yes, we do know. The only way he could get one of those organisms past ICC quarantine was to impregnate us. Whatever.

Burke: Okay. Those organisms represent a substantial dollar value to the Company. I don't think you or I or anyone has the right to arbitrarily exterminate them.

Vasquez: Wrong. Watch us.

Ripley: I don't know which species is worse. You don't see them fucking each other over for a god damned percentage.

Hicks (grabbing Burke): Ripley's right. No offense.

Riddick: You go boy!

(All of a sudden, the lights cut out and dim emergency lighting kicks in. Riddick slips off his goggles)

Hicks: They cut the power.

Johns: How could they cut the power? They're fuckin' animals!

Hudson: That's my line! I don't like you either.

Hicks: Bishop, you read me? How long until dustoff?

Bishop: ETA, fifteen minutes.

(The group heads out for the landing site, wrapped in lights as they venture through the darkened complex. Riddick leads the way with his shine job. Some monsters swoop in, spooking Paris, who panics and crawls out into the darkness (instead of towards the shed where all the light is) and rips out the battery, plunging them all into darkness. Munching sounds are heard in the darkness as the others light up torches).

Fry: Do I even want to know?

(Riddick tilts his head. The group presses on through the mazelike hallways of the complex, keeping their torches held high.)

Ripley: Are we getting close?

Johns: Want to tell me what's going on Riddick? Why did we stop?

Hudson: We've been going in circles! We're at med lab!

Riddick: Shhh. Listen. I circled once to try to buy some time to think. There's too many of those creatures out there.

Fry: I say we head back. Go back to operations and barricade ourselves in.

Johns: What? You're the one who got us out here in the first place.

Fry: I was wrong, all right. Can we just go back now?

Johns: I don't know, Carolyn. I'm starting to enjoy my fucking self in here. Closed metal hallways, no breezes.

Hudson: Game over, man! Game over!

Johns: I say we mosh on! So why don't you butch up, stuff a cork in this fucking marine and let's go. The landing site is just a few hundred meters ahead, and after that it's drop ship city.

(The group continues on through the darkness. Burke gets picked off, and no one sheds a tear. Then it's the muslim kids, then a few more marines, until it's just Ripley, Hicks, Jack, Fry, Riddick, Johns and Imam. Johns ventures forward with Riddick to scout ahead).

Johns: We're not gonna make it.

Riddick: You just now realizing that?

Johns: Seven of us left. If we could make it through to the drop ship and just lose one, that'd be quite the feat, huh?

Riddick: Not if I'm the one.

Johns: What if you're one of six?

Riddick: I'm listening.

Johns: I say we chop up the girl and drag her body along behind the sled. Just enough to keep those monsters off our sun.

Riddick: Nice embellishment.

Johns: Okay, you do the girl, and I'll keep the others off your back.

Riddick: I'm just wondering if I won't need a bigger piece of bait?

Johns: Like who?

(Kick ass fight ensues. The others at the sled leave it and try to head a different way to the landing site. "Stay in the light" and "Remember that moment" and all that. (This thing is way too long as it is, I've got to skip some stuff) So, Jack and Imam fall down a hole and land under the floor grates, the trackers indicate a huge mass headed their way, Hicks, Fry and Ripley go to the elevator).

Ripley: They don't kill you! They don't! We still have time! I can get her!

Hicks: I believe you, but we can't stay now!

(Alien through the elevator, Hicks shoots it and gets some acid on his chest armor, they make it to the landing site and the ship is landing. Riddick is waiting with Bishop).

Fry: Where's Johns?

Riddick: Which half?

(They get on the drop ship and Bishop flies them up to a reactor tower. Hicks is wrapped in gauze and gives himself a shot. Ripley is suiting up, and so is Fry).

Fry: Please just come with us, Riddick!

Riddick: You'd die for them?

Fry: Yes, Riddick, I would. I would die for them.

(Riddick joins them, and they take the express elevator to hell. Ripley lights flares to mark their way and Riddick leads the way through the murky darkness. They come to the main chamber and find Jack and Imam cocooned up.)

Jack: I knew you'd come back for us! Never had a doubt!

(They have bigger problems to deal with, though. After digging out Jack and Imam, they see that they're surrounded by egg sacks and look up into the face of the queen bitch monster. It's aliens versus humans, fight two. Ripley throws some flames over the egg sacks, keeping the helper monsters at bay. They back out of the room, one of the eggs squishes open, Ripley gives the queen a dirty look and they all start blasting the hell out of everything. Then they all run for the elevators, and once they reach them, surprise, surprise, there isn't one available).

Ripley: Come on, god damn it!

Fry: Shit!

(An elevator does come, they hop on, and when they reach the top, the ship isn't there. And to top it off, it starts to rain).

Riddick: Where's your god now, holy man?

(The ship comes in, they hop on board, but Riddick and Fry are the last. By then, the queen has reached them. They fight it and Fry gets a tail-knife in the back, pulled from Riddick's grasp and thrown over the side of the platform)

Riddick: Not for me!!

(Ripley pulls him onto the ship and they blast off, narrowly missing getting vaporized by a nuclear blast. Once back on board the Sulako, they start to get off the drop ship. Bishop gets a tail-knife to the back and is pulled from Ripley's grasp, torn if half and flung across the landing bay. The queen mother steps forth.)

Ripley: Run, Jack.

(Riddick gets in the monsters blind spot, his shiv ready. The monster doesn't see him, but sees Ripley. Ripley runs for the loading crane device, and Riddick sticks the queen a few times with his shiv. When Ripley is in the machine, she heads out to do battle.)

Ripley: Get away from him, you bitch!

(Riddick rightly recognizes this is a fight between the girls and backs off while they duke it out. Ripley opens the outer door lock and tosses the monster down, only to be pulled in herself. She starts crawling up the shaft and hits the purge all button. Everyone is almost sucked outside, but in the end, the queen is the only creature that goes and the rest are saved.)

Riddick: Did not know who she was fuckin' with! You go girl!

(Everyone cleans up and heads to the cryo-tubes.)

Jack: Can we dream now?

Ripley: I think we all can now.

Riddick: I don't dream in cryosleep.

(They tuck in for the next sixty years, and a voice over can be heard.)

THEY SAY MOST OF YOUR BRAIN SHUTS DOWN IN CRYOSLEEP, ALL BUT THE ANIMAL SIDE. NO WONDER I'M STILL AWAKE. SMELL THE WOMAN...

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