Installment-One
Alternative Universe Theater presents…..Pitch Black (in Color!)
AUTHOR’S NOTE: All the talk about the old bad “B” movies got me to thinking about the hundreds of horrible films I would otherwise not have watched except for a little show called Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Which got me to thinking about if Pitch Black had been a bad “B” movie from the 50’s. It almost goes without saying, the entire cast would have been white, well-groomed (no uncombed hair or baldness allowed), with spotless clothes and shirts tucked in all around (sorry Radhafan, no bellybuttons allowed). I also think that if Vin had tried out for the part of Riddick, (to do a flip on Multifacial) the casting director would have probably told him he wasn’t “white” enough. (I’m so glad I didn’t have to live in the 50’s!) Anyway, back to the story at hand. If PB had been made in the 50’s, I think it may have gone a little something like this: (and you’ll have to excuse me, I was really tired when I wrote this)
(Camera zooms in on tiny model ship on a string gliding past a really fake looking planet with rings. Switch to interior shot. Captain Dirk Squarejaw (oops, I mean Captain Thom Miller) sits at the helm next to Navigation Officer Owens. Carolyn Fry stands behind them, her long blond hair in a bun, wearing a long-sleeved shirt and a skirt (that reaches below her knees); she is holding a clipboard and looking concerned.)
CAPTAIN: All systems are A-okay. We’ll get to New Morocco in no time!
FRY: Are you sure, Captain? Space travel can be dangerous.
OWENS: Don’t you worry your pretty little head about outer space. We’ve got everything under control.
CAPTAIN: Carolyn, take down a memo to send to Earth Command.
(Fry pulls the pen from the top of her clipboard, ready to write, when all of a sudden, the ship starts to shake)
FRY: What’s wrong?
(The Captain and Owens start to flip switches. Switch to exterior shot, which shows ship being hit by really fake looking paper mache “asteroids”. Switch back to interior of ship. The camera shakes, the actors shake in different directions, but don’t actually fall over or tip out of their seats (think Star Trek).)
OWENS: Meteor shower! We’ve taken a pretty bad hit on the wing!
CAPTAIN: Steady, Owens. Wouldn’t want to upset Carolyn.
FRY: Should I go wake up the other passengers?
CAPTAIN: They’ll wake up soon enough with all this shaking.
(Sure enough, the rest of the cast steps into the main bridge area. A really white guy wearing a turban steps forward).
IMAM: What is happening? Are we to New Morocco yet?
CAPTAIN: Just hold tight. Looks like we’re going to have to make a slight detour.
(Exterior shot showing fake model ship crashing into fake model planet. Interior shot shows cast holding onto tables and leaning against walls, but not actually falling over, even when the ship lands. Everyone steps outside to look around).
FRY: Wow! Is this whole planet alive?
OWENS: Looks like the Florida Everglades to me.
(They are surrounded by fake trees and bushes. Scene shows everyone standing by the ship. At one end stands a man wearing a badge and his prisoner, who has one lock of black hair out of place, is wearing a leather jacket and handcuffs and generally scowling at everyone).
JOHNS: This man is my prisoner. I must get him to New Morrocco. He’s a very bad person.
FRY: Is he really that bad?
JOHNS: Only around people who work for Space Command. He likes to steal space ships.
RIDDICK: Grrrrrrrr!
CAPTAIN (as in no, he didn’t die): We need to find shelter. It’ll be getting dark soon.
JACK (an actual boy, as a girl in the 50’s would never stow away on a spaceship; is looking up at the sky): Three suns?
(Of course, we just take their word for it, we don’t actually see the three suns; just not good enough f/x in the 50’s to show that. Plus, why these people would need to find shelter when they have a perfectly good mint condition crashed spaceship is beyond me. But that’s just the way it works in “B” movies).
ZEKE: I see some caves over there. Maybe we should set up camp there. My wife Sharon is tired and needs to rest.
(Sharon (not Shazza; no cool nicknames for woman are allowed) is dressed similarly to Fry, bun and all. She clutches at Zeke’s shirt and looks frightened).
JOHNS: Let’s go.
CAPTAIN: I’m the Captain here. And what I say goes. (he pauses) Let’s go.
(Cast heads out for caves through the forest. They start a fire near a cave opening. All of a sudden, it starts to get dimmer).
FRY: Eclipse!
(We hear noises start to come from the jungle).
RIDDICK: You’re not afraid of the dark, are you? (Scowl)
(Everyone looks up at the sky, but it still looks like daytime, only slightly dimmer. That’s when a huge iguana crawls out of the cave opening and grabs a miniature doll).
SHARON: Zeke!
(The Captain, Owens and Johns fire their guns (one assumes towards the cave; the shot just basically shows them shooting their guns). Riddick grabs a tree branch off the ground, hits Johns on the head and runs off through the jungle. Fry sees this).
FRY: Captain!
CAPTAIN: Not now, Carolyn! We’re busy! Come on men, keep firing!
(Eventually, the giant iguana goes back into the cave, miniature doll still sticking out of his mouth. Johns gets up off the ground and shakes his head once. No blood.)
JOHNS: I have to get Riddick. I’m going off to find him.
JACK: Tonight? With all those things out there?
JOHNS: He’s a bad man. He must be caught.
CAPTAIN: Take Owens with you. The rest of us will go set up camp over by that other cave over there. It should be safer.
(Johns and Owens head off into the jungle. The Captain leads the rest of the crew to the new cave. The rest of the crew being women (Carolyn and Sharon), children (Jack) and a strange foreigner (Imam). Once in front of the new cave, they build another fire and sit to wait for Johns and Owens to get back. Suddenly, Jack spots something in the sky and points).
JACK: What is that?
So ends the first exciting installment of Pitch Black. Tune in next week for installment two “The Monsters Attack!”.