PB Files, a parody by CeliaP

PB-Files

Starring:              Vin Diesel as Agent Fox Riddick

                          Radha Mitchell as Agent Dana Fry

                           Cole Hauser as Lawrence “John” Krychek

                           Keith David as the Alien Bounty Hunter (because if you’ve ever seen The Thing, at the end, I think he’s one of those Things)

Episode I – Pilot

  (Agent Dana Fry is meeting with a bunch of guys in suits at FBI Headquarters in D.C.)

  Suit #1:  We want to assign you to work with Agent Riddick.  Have you heard of him?

  Agent Fry:  I’m familiar with his reputation.  He likes to work cases that need investigating at night.  His methods are a bit unorthodox, but I think it would be an interesting challenge to work with him.

  Suit #2 (puffing cigarette):  Glad to hear that.  We want you to report back to us on what exactly his activities are in the midnight hours.

  Agent Fry:  Am I to assume you want me to debunk his work?

  Suit #3:  We just want to know what he does.  He doesn’t file reports.  Dismissed, agent.

  (Agent Fry takes the elevator down to the very lowest sub-basement in bureau headquarters.  It’s dark and spooky.  She sees “Agent Riddick” written on a door, knocks and enters.  It is very dim in the room, yet she can see a man sitting behind a desk)

  Agent Fry:  My name is Dana Fry.  I’ve been assigned to work with you.

  Agent Riddick:  So who’d you piss off to get stuck down here with me, Fry?

  Agent Fry:  Actually, I’m looking forward to working with you.  I hear that your work is interesting.  By the way, why do you keep it so dark down here?  And is that an Armani suit you’re wearing?

  Agent Riddick:  You’d have to come a lot closer to see that.

  (Agent Fry takes a few tentative steps toward Riddick).

  Agent Riddick:  Mmmmmm.  Closer.

  (Agent Fry ventures even closer.  Suddenly, Riddick jumps up from his seat, causing her to jump back a few steps.)

  Agent Riddick:  You’re not afraid of the dark, are you?

  Agent Fry:  You didn’t answer my question, Riddick.

  Agent Riddick:  Yes, I am wearing an Armani.

  Agent Fry:  And my other question: Why is it so dark in here?

  Agent Riddick:  I was just flipping through some slides.  Tell me, Agent Fry, do you believe in monsters?  Big, ugly creatures with hammerheads and really sharp teeth?

  Agent Fry:  I’d say there are many reports by people claiming to have seen such monsters, but there is no empirical evidence that shows….

  (Riddick laughs, interrupting her.  He flicks on a slide, which shows a horribly mutilated cow).

  Agent Fry:  It’s a dead cow.

  Agent Riddick:  Exactly.  But how did the cow die?  That’s what we’re going to find out.  Hope you have a good pair of walking boots.

  Agent Fry:  Where we going?

  Agent Riddick:  A field in Vermont.

  (Agent Riddick and Agent Fry head back up to the main level, and are met in the lobby by an agent with curly red hair).

  Agent Krychek:  My name is Agent John Krychek.  Director Skinner would like me to tag along with you two.

  Agent Riddick:  I don’t recall getting a memo on that.

  Agent Krychek:  Not my problem, Agent Riddick.  I’m along for the ride.  Orders are orders.

  Agent Riddick:  Fair enough.  Why don’t you go get the car and meet us out front?

  (Agent Krychek nods his head and leaves to go get the car.  Riddick leans over near Fry’s ear)

  Agent Riddick:  Finally found someone who looks worse in a suit than me, huh?

  (Agent Fry shakes her head and walks toward the front doors.  Agent Riddick grabs her arm, stopping her)

  Agent Fry:  Aren’t we going to meet him out front?

  Agent Riddick:  Nah.  I just said that to get rid of him.  Our Agent Krychek isn’t really an agent.  Sure, he’s got the nickel-slick badge.  But he’s just an errand boy.  And I’m just an agent doing work that makes a lot of people nervous.

  Agent Fry:  And how can you be sure that I’m not just an errand girl?

  Agent Riddick:  I can’t be.  But you smell nice and look good in a suit.   Let’s go, Fry.

  (Riddick and Fry take a side exit and leave in Fry’s car.  It’s still light outside, and Riddick squeezes his eyes shut painfully, pulling out a pair a RayBans.  They drive to Vermont, and when they arrive it is night time.  Riddick consults a map and after a few wrong turns, manages to direct her to the field, where they look around.)

  Agent Fry:  So where’s the cow’s body, Riddick?

  Agent Riddick:  It’s supposed to be in that hole over there.

  Agent Fry:  I looked in the hole.  It’s not there.

  Agent Riddick:  Then we should look deeper.

 (Riddick and Fry head to the hole and stop short when they see a man standing in it.  He’s tall and muscular (think of Keith David back from The Thing, minus the muslim garb).  The man is standing by two big shapes on the ground and is holding a gas can).

  Agent Riddick:  Uh, oh.

  Agent Fry:  What do you mean, uh oh?  Who is that?

  Agent Riddick (to man):  Covering up your tracks again?  You can’t keep hiding the truth from people.  Sooner or later, one of these monsters is going to be found, and everyone will have no choice but to believe.

  (No response from the Alien Bounty Hunter.  He flicks a lighter and tosses it to the ground, where the forms immediately ignite.  Riddick and Fry both shield their eyes and back away.  After the flames die down a bit, they peer back in the hole.  The man is gone and two smoking animal carcasses remain).

  Agent Riddick:  Damn!  That was the best evidence I ever had and he destroyed it!

  Agent Fry:  I don’t think dead cows are much in the way of evidence.  An examination would probably just have shown that they were killed by natural predators, such as wolves.

Agent Riddick:  Only one of those things was a cow.  The other one was a monster.  You were standing right there!  You can’t tell me you didn’t see it!!

  Agent Fry:  It’s dark out, Riddick.  And I saw cows.

  Agent Riddick:  Let’s call in a forensics team.  The bones will show that one of those “cows” is extra-terrestrial in origin.

  (Agent Fry just shakes her head and goes back to the car.  Riddick follows her.  Krychek is waiting for them there.)

  Krychek:  I don’t appreciate being dumped like somebody’s bad prom date.

  Agent Riddick:  What are you talking about?  We waited for you for ten minutes, you never showed.  We had a case to investigate.  We couldn’t wait for you any longer.

  Krycheck (to Fry):  Is he really that dedicated?

  Agent Fry:  Only around dead cows.

  Agent Riddick:  Go take a look.

  (John Krychek jogs over to the hole and peers inside).

  Krychek:  And what exactly am I supposed to be seeing, Riddick?  There’s nothing down there.

  Agent Riddick:  Impossible!

  (Riddick and Fry jog back over to the hole.  It is empty).

  Agent Riddick:  Damn bounty hunters and their trickeration!

  Krycheck:  Sounds like your partner needs his eyes checked.

  Agent Riddick:  They were there!  Tell him, Scully.

  Agent Fry:  Yes, there did appear to be dead cows in the hole.  But it’s a big field with a lot of holes, and maybe we’re looking in the wrong one.

  Agent Riddick (sarcastically):  Thanks for the help, Fry.

  (Riddick stalks around to other holes, but finds nothing.  Eventually he comes back to the car where Agent Fry is waiting for him.  Krychek smirks at them and leaves in his car).

  Agent Riddick:  We were so close to the truth, Fry, and they took it away.

  Agent Fry:  I’m sure there’ll be other fields, Riddick, and other dead cows.

  Agent Riddick:  You’re mocking me, aren’t you?

  Agent Fry:  No, just trying to make you feel better.  But something definitely weird happened tonight.  I mean, who was that man and where are the carcasses? 

  Agent Riddick:  I’m still calling in a forensics team.  They can come search in the morning, when it’s light out.

  Agent Fry:  You want to wait for them?

  Agent Riddick:  No, take me home.  I don’t work very well during the day.

  (And so the agents drive off into the night back to D.C.)

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