"Pitch Black 2: The Line" begins....
Dateline - Los Angeles, produced September 1, 2000
Dateline: Playing off on the explosive popularity of the recently-completed Survivor series as well as the months-long lineup of fans for Star Wars Episode I early last year, the Soap Opera Channel has announced a new reality-based TV show being billed as a hybrid of the two. The show, set to hit the airwaves this week, is called "Pitch Black 2, the Line: The Search For The Ultimate Pitch Black Fan," and Dateline caught up with SOC chairman Kurt Goader, who also happens to be the creator, editor and emcee of the new series, as well as having written the catchy theme song.
Dateline: Mr. Goader, tell us a bit about "Pitch Black 2, the Line: The Search For The Ultimate Pitch Black Fan."
KG: Well, first off, get with the program, Mr. Dateline-man. We are now referring to the show simply as "PB2L" - it rolls off the tongue much better that the full title. What we have done with PB2L is something never before seen on national TV - heck, never before seen in the galaxy! - an extraordinary combination the best elements of Survivor and the Countdown2EpisodeI lineup. Our SOC viewers told us in no uncertain terms that they were tired of reruns of the same old soaps - I mean, how many times can a person watch Cliff Barnes sacrifice his entire family fortune and future just for five seconds of revenge on J.R. and, really, who cares about Texas anyway? Our audience demanded some new, fresh intrigue. I came up with the idea of staging a lineup contest for a major future film, with the person or persons who make it through to the end sharing the title of "Most Extreme Fan" as well as a rich cash prize.
Dateline: What made you pick Pitch Black 2 as that film?
KG: We wanted a film that would be released sometime in 2002, so that the actual wait would be a true test of stamina and devotion … as well as allowing enough time for real emotional instabilities to fester. That narrowed our search some. We needed a film that would have a cult following, and so that meant it would have to be a sequel; one whose fans were so captivated by the creativity and layering of the original that they'd be near-rabid to see the follow-up. Looking at what was upcoming for 2002, that pointed to only one film: Scary Movie 2.
Dateline: Obviously. What happened?
KG: Well, on further consideration, we concluded that a two-year wait for Scary Movie 2 could present a problem.
Dateline: The audience enthusiasm for the genre might wane?
KG: No, our biggest fear was that the viewers that loved Scary Movie and made it a surprise box-office phenomena might….well….how should I put this….develop a more mature palette.
Dateline: You mean, grow up?
KG: You said it, not me. So we were forced to go to Plan B - Star Wars Episode II.
Dateline: Wow, a sure winner if ever I heard one, but it obviously lost out as well. More audience maturity problems?
KG: No, but quicksand nonetheless. We contacted George Lucas and he was cool with the whole idea, but he had so many contractual demands that we had to bow out.
Dateline: Such as?
KG: You are an interviewer of few words, aren't you? Didn't you study Geraldo at all?
Dateline: Yes.
KG: It didn't stick. Well, anyways, Mr. Lucas stipulated that we must mention JarJar Binks at least five times per hour, and that said references be made only in reverential tones. We also would have to bleep out any obscenities, such as if a liner-upper blurted out something like "Amidala is a real hottie!" In addition, we would have been forbidden to speculate if perhaps Mace Windu and Yoda had a little sumpin-sumpin going on on the side. I mean, really….what kind of white-washed, Disneyesque sort of show would that have left us with? To paraphrase someone, we're not the ones Lucas has to worry about.
Dateline: So you choose Pitch Black 2?
KG: Brilliant reporter's instinct! Brilliant, but wrong. First we considered the other top sequels due out in that timeframe: Basic Instinct 2, Rush Hour 2, PeeWee's Big Return, even Dumb and Dumber 2. They all had the same big problem riding their necks like an albatross.
Dateline: More contractual strait-jacketing?
KG: No, worse than any lawyerese. We couldn't find a single person who wanted to see any of them, no less wait in line for them. (Well, actually we found one, but she sees EVERY movie anyway, so that doesn't count.) Then someone - I clearly remember it being me, but perhaps it could have been a member of my staff - mentioned this Pitch Black site where dozens of deluded fans were posting about a film that hardly anyone saw. The group had all the elements: diverse, crazy, addicted…plus they the most important thing - they all apparently had no life to speak of.
Dateline: How interesting! So, tell us the basics of the show.
KG: We narrowed the field to the kookiest (and scariest) 28 Pitch Black fans we could find outside of an institution and we will bring them together for the line-up. They will camp for 1 1/2 years outside of the Videodrome 30 in Hollywood, California, awaiting the April 1, 2002 opening of "Pitch Black 2: Fry Lives."
Dateline: Is that the title Twohy has settled on?
KG: Who cares? … I like it. Anyway, the liner-uppers will be required to clock in and out of line and must spend at least 50% of each week in line or be disqualified.
Dateline: And how will the 'voting-off' process work?
KG: We don't need no stinkin 'voting-off!' Wasn't that the most idiotic part of Survivor? They voted based on alphabetical order or alliances or whatever; they shoulda called it 'Political Survival'! Me, I would have voted for Kelly to win, cause I vote using the 'coolest tattoo on the lower back' system. Anyway, in our contest, one is only eliminated if (a) they don't log the required hours or (b) they miss the Sunday afternoon town meeting/screening.
Dateline: Do tell about the town meeting.
KG: Every Sunday at 3pm all liner-uppers will enter a special private theater for a screening of a new release. Everyone MUST attend; they can come in after the trailers or those dopey singing-food commercials if they wish, but if they aren't in a seat once the main feature starts they are gone. After each film there will be an open forum about the line-up in general, an airing of beefs, and players can challenge one another to various contests - by mutual consent - in which the loser has to pack his or her bags for good.
Dateline: Sounds like a recipe for bickering, psychoses and disaster.
KG: We're hoping so.
Dateline: Can you fill us in on the names of the participants?
KG: Gladly. Here's a list of the lucky 28:
ArtemisX
BlueEyedGal
CeliaP
Copykween
Dark-Ravenette
DejahDoo
FemmeFatale
Groovinqin
Gryphonblue
Lord-Darkstorm
Lunar77
Mignon (aka Migtard)
Music-elf
Novafry
Ophelia
Pegasus
Pdxcraterman
Radhafan
Sigum87
Silver-Raven
Soul Asylum
Stelllaaa
Swamby
ThePeople
VDFan
Vinacolyte
Vinsgirl
XevBaby
They all decided to use nicknames, so that their families and friends wouldn't be exquisitely embarrassed by their participation in the contest.
Dateline: Won't they be recognized the moment the show appears on TV?
KG: I said they were 'devoted, fanatic, crazy'…I never mentioned 'smart.'
Dateline: Gotcha. By the way, what makes someone a 'craterman', what is a 'Sigum', and why have there been 87 of them?
KG: You'll have to watch along with the rest of us and find out, won't you?
Dateline: Absolutely! So, when does this psycho f*ck family picnic begin?
KG: They all arrive in town this week. We'll have the kick-off party and initial town meeting and then the game is afoot! And good luck to all the loonies…er…fanatics!
Dateline: Absolutely!! May the most extreme fan win!
KG: Or the one with the best lower-back tattoo! Tune in or be square!