"Pitch Black 2: The Line" continues....
Dateline: September 24, 2000. Videodrome 30, Hollywood, California, Theater 15.
Mr. Kurt Goader walks to the podium and signals for quiet. A nationwide TV audience numbering in the tens of millions looks on.
Kurt Goader: "Folks, folks…settle down. I understand you are all excited - or perhaps not - on meeting all these people whom until now have been just nicknames on a monitor, but we have to get underway."
Out in the audience greetings and salutations are being exchanged, along with some high-fives, and lots of hugs. Pdxcraterman and Lunar77 have volunteered to serve the refreshments and the contestants are passing by the snack bar, grabbing their juice containers, Grape Nehis, popcorns and Jello-on-a-sticks.
In one corner CopyKween, Vinacolyte, VDFan, Music-elf and Pegasus are playing "My Texas heat wave story can beat your heat wave story." DD listens quietly, before blowing them all away.
"In Arizona, it's been 114 degrees," DD says.
"Wee doggie, that's hot!" CopyKween says (or something to that effect; the accent is hard for Americans to understand.)
"No!!!!!" Music-elf says, barely restraining herself from running.
"Yep," DD continues," even in the shade…with a fan….while thinking about ice cubes. Even Lola couldn't get them to turn down the hot, and she usually gets what she wants!"
"Well, anyway, my kiddo has been growing like a weeeeed!" VDFan says (or something to that effect).
ArtemisX runs over to the group to introduce herself:
"Goeiedag, ek's bly om julle, te ontmoet," she says.
"Huh?" they reply in unison. "What part of Texas are y'all from, honey?"
In the back of the theater there's a commotion; a group is ringed around ThePeople, "ooohing" and "awwwwing".
"They're so cute, Peeps!" Doo the Admiring says.
"And they don't stink all that much!" Swamby adds.
"They remind me of Radhafan," Stelllaaa chimes in.
"Who woulda thought that all along Peeps was talking about little stuffed goats?" Ophelia says, knowing a little something about stuffing herself.
Peeps is showing off her herd (family, pack, pride?) of foot-tall, cuddly toys, naming each in turn for the audience: "This one is Rocky and this one is Timmy and this one is Bort and this sorry-lookin one is Halle and this one is…."
….Radhafan is busy telling Novafry that there can NEVER be a new Fry and that her name is sacrilege; Silver-Raven, Doo and Dark-Ravenette are discussing how much they're going to miss school during the contest; Lord-Darkshadow is trying to find someone to complain to that they spelled his name wrong on the first list of contestants; Femme wanders around singing "Smooth Operator"; Sigum87 and Groovinqbin are discussing the finer points of living in the northeast (Sig: "Yeah, life isn't worth living without mustard on pretzels" - Groov: "And what's with all these people calling their soda 'pop', anyway?"); Xev is showing Vinsgirl her Owen tattoo; BlueEyedGal and GryphonBlue are…somewhere …and Mig is running from group to group, whapping anyone within reach with a rubber trout and laughing maniacally.
"It's gonna be a long contest," Kurt mutters under his breath. "Okay," he calls out," okay…the Pitch Black 2 Line Contest is hereby called to order."
The contestants finally settle into seats in the theater. A few begin throwing popcorn at each other. And Jello. Pegasus' eyes go crossed - something in the hay - and Ophelia whips out an aspirin for the horsey from her…umm…cache.
A LOOOONG contest, Kurt thinks. "First of all, welcome everyone! This is gonna be fun, and at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold worth millions, so let's give a big shout-out to our sponsor, Universal Pictures, and our hosts, the Videodrome 30!"
"WOO HOO!" echoes from all in the crowd.
"I think you all understand the rules of the contest, which officially begins when the curtain goes up on our first feature!"
Music-elf raises her hand. "Is it 'R' Rated?"
Kurt looks appraisingly at the elf, wondering if they are going to have to deal with a lot of legal problems and sirens and such.
"Yes, it is."
"Cool," Music-elf replies, echoed by her sidekick, Pegasus.
"Now, remember," Kurt continues, " you must be in line 50% of the time and attend EVERY Sunday meeting/screening in order to remain in the competition…."
A "WOO HOO!" is yelled from the back.
"Nice to have you with us, Arty. Try to keep up, will you?…Now, as I was about to say, being a local boy, Mr. Radhafan has graciously offered the use of his home to everyone on their 'downtime'; all he asks is that you don't throw Jello mix in the pool or Jacuzzi, and he reminds you that Vin clones are forbidden in Los Angeles."
Radhafan nods his head vigorously in affirmation, drawing a double-smack from the trout.
"We still love ya," Copykween says, but conviction is missing from her voice.
Soul Asylum: SPRJukebox: Anneal Count: "Another Song With Maximum Gore" - 2.37 megs
"Okay, then, settle back and enjoy our movie; it's a classic! ---- The Exorcist!" Kurt says.
"Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick!" Dark-Ravenette yells out and runs for the exit, to a chorus of "Don't go!!!"
"Geez, we haven't even rolled the opening credits yet," Kurt notes. He walks to the left-hand side of the theater and tears the image of Dark-Ravenette from the display of pictures of the contest members. Crumbling it up into a tight ball, he throws it into the center of the stage and whistles loudly.
"You'll all now see how we 'extinguish the torch' of fallen contest members in PB2L," Kurt says. Accompanied by the tinkling of a tiny bell around its throat, a small goat enters from stage left, eyes the crowd warily, and then ambles to center stage and begins to munch down the crumbled up picture.
"When Vinny the Goat there has 27 pictures in his belly, we will have a winner!" Kurt explains. "He'll eat just about anything - iron, mentholated cigarettes, engagement rings, primates…"
"How cute," Peeps exclaims.
Vinny poots.
"How wude," most of the others exclaim.
"Okay," Kurt goes on," now for our first film. I'm sure you all have seen The Exorcist on TV or rented the video; be prepared for much more, though, as you see it in its 70-foot gory! Anyone else want to follow D-R out?"
Heads shake…everyone is steeled for the worst.
"Right. Before the feature, we have another surprise. Since Radhafan is allowing everyone to use his home, we have assented to his request to show a short video of his choosing before each film. Enjoy!"
The curtains part, the theater goes dark…and it begins…
"Oh baby baby….oh baby baby…"
"NOOOO!" is said by..…well, a lot of people.
"Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick!" says Stelllaaa, who races for the exit. "Heck, I wasn't gonna win anyway, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit through that every week for 18 months!"
"Awww, Stell, don't be like that. Just cover your ears!" But it's too late, she's gone, off to the "Oz: The Movie" lineup.
"Who woulda thought Vinny would be eating so well so early?" Kurt asks, delighted. He thought it might take some time to eliminate the first few contestants, and loves the already increasing tension amongst the players.
The screening is a success, drawing "eeekkks", "yucks", "hahahahahs", "LOLOLOLs" (some net people can't separate real life from chat rooms), and, at the end, wild applause.
The only real detriment to the enjoyment of the movie comes whenever someone returns to his or her seat from the restroom. Each feels compelled (by the power of Christ?) to announce "Back!" upon sitting down, with this followed each time by a long chorus of "Welcome backs", thus ruining the tension of the horror film.
"Did you like that?" Kurt asks the crowd as the lights come up.
"ABSOLUTELY!" they shout as one….sort of.
The contestants rise, shake out the popcorn that fell into their laps and landed in their hair, and un-stick their feet from the floor beneath them. As they head out into the evening it's time for these remaining 26 to settle into their tent city as the REAL contest begins…
To be continued…
And...oh:
"ABSOLUTELY!" comes one lonely, lagging final cheer…..