The PB Dating Game
Chuck: "Hi folks. I'm Chuck Whollery. Welcome to another edition of The Dating Game! We're ready for our first match-making session, so let's meet our three eligible bachelors. Bachelor number one is an antiquities dealer, bon vivant and all-around upper-crust kind of guy. Give a big dating Game welcome to Paris Ogilvie!"
Ogilvie stands and bows deeply.
Chuck: "Bachelor number two wears a badge, carries a big club… and is a junkie! Let's hear it for William Johns!"
Johns waves to the crowd.
Chuck: "Our third bachelor loves poetry and moonlit walks on the beach. He's also an escaped convict and a murderer. It's Richard Riddick!"
Riddick pulls down his goggles and shines for the crowd. They go wild.
Chuck: "What a fine trio we have for our bachelorette to choose from. And now, it's time to meet her. She's a docking pilot studying for her captain's license, loves astronomy, and has a phobia about phrases containing the word "purge"…let's greet Carolyn Fry!"
Wolf whistles for Carolyn. Riddick stands up to try to look over the partition but Johns hits him with his club.
Chuck: "Carolyn, you know how our game is played. One of those gentlemen over there will be your dream date on an all-expenses-paid trip to….MECCA! Let's have each bachelor say hello. Bachelor number one, say 'hi' to Carolyn."
Ogilvie: "Buonasera, my sweet."
Carolyn: "Oooooo."
Chuck: "Bachelor number two?"
Johns: "I'm a do-right kind of guy, Miss Fry."
Chuck: "Number two is a bit of a poet. Number three?"
Riddick: "I hope you love the dark, Carolyn."
Fry: "Oooooo."
Chuck: "Very interesting. Okay, Carolyn, the floor is yours. Ask away."
Fry: "Bachelor number one, if I was stuck in a dark underground tunnel with horrible carnivorous creatures all around, what song would you sing to me?"
Ogilvie: "Well, I think a song by my all-time favorite, Celine Dion, would be appropriate-- 'That's The Way It Is.'"
Fry: "Ouch! Number two, I hope you are more compassionate."
Johns: "I have always been partial to the song 'Bye, Bye, Bye' myself."
Fry: "Double ouch. Number three?"
Riddick: "I'll deliver a 'Ray Of Light' for you, for sure."
Fry: "Hmmmm. Okay, number one, I love massaging a man's scalp. What would you want me to use for massaging yours?"
Ogilvie: "A nice Merlot, Chateau '22 or so…it has a delicate bouquet."
Fry: "Burns well, too. Number two?"
Johns: "I think poppy seed oil would be fine."
Fry: "I bet you would. Bachelor number three?"
Riddick: "Easy. Diesel fuel."
Carolyn widens her eyes and the audience hoots and hollers.
Fry: "Number one. I think a man's taste in musical instruments tells a lot about him. What instrument would you play for me?"
Ogilvie: "A panflute. I have always loved that 'Zamfir's Greatest Hits' infomercial."
Fry: "Would the guards please remove bachelor number one from the stage? I CAN'T STAND that damn panflute! "
Big, burly guards try to approach Ogilvie to pull him off the stage but Paris holds them at bay by blowing mouthfuls of scotch at them through his lighter flame. Finally his lighter runs out of gas and the swarm over him.
Fry: "Okay. Number two, same question."
Johns has watched the demise of Ogilvie and thinks carefully before answering.
Johns: "Well, I've always been partial to the bongos myself."
Riddick: "How interesting…"
Chuck: "Number three, I'll have to ask you to refrain from commenting until it's your turn."
Fry: "Number two, you play bongos in a group?"
Johns: "A duo, actually."
Fry: "Hmmmm. Number three, how about you?"
Riddick: "I am strictly a solo bongo player." The audience roars. "No, truthfully I wouldn't know how to play the bongos. I'm drawn to the xylophone myself. Something about those evenly-spaced parallel steel bars that reminds me of…home, I guess."
Fry: "Purge all??? Oh…sorry…..Number three, tell me about your favorite memory that involves a color."
Riddick: "Well, black isn't a color, but it's my favorite. To hear about the memory you'd have to come a lot closer."
Fry: "You wish! Number two?"
Johns: "Me and my friend Matty were playing the bongos…"
Chuck: "Sorry, but that music means time's up. Time for the all-important decision. Carolyn, will it be bachelor number one, who you had thrown off the stage, or bachelor number two, or bachelor number three."
Fry: "They both scare me, Chuck. I want a man who's dependable, honest, a good digger, a good shot…so I'm going to go 'off the menu' and go with ….bachelor number four!"
The curtain behind Fry parts and out walks…Zeke. Johns and Riddick race around the partition to see who they lost to and scream in unison, "You're dead!"
Zeke: "Nope. You needed to look even deeper!" He and Fry walk arm-in-arm off the stage, leaving Riddick and Johns fighting between themselves. The music fades…
Fry: "Hello, Mecca!"
……….
radhafan note: Yes, I do have too much time on my hands sometimes!